Sheena Steedlya the Conartist

I just received an email from an "employer." Yay! They don't care about my qualifications at all, they simply want to start my payroll right now. All I have to do is enter my SSN and name and credit card number and deposit "at least" $25 into my account! Wow, Sheena Steedlya the Conartist here's what I have to say to you:

Dear Sheena Steedlya the Conartist,

Do I seem like a fool to you? You should be ashamed of yourself for USING people who are desperate to get a job by attempting to steal their identity. The deceit you have sown you will reap soon enough. May God enter your heart and change it. 

Please do not send me another email for the postings I applied to. I have never been more tired or ashamed of humanity than I have been while pursuing this fruitless job search.

Sincerely,

Mari

Forgive Me

Hello Again World,

Sorry about that waterfall of negativity. Obviously it is not going to get me anywhere. I cannot allow myself to feel hopeless! And I cannot say all the doubts that are in my mind because once they are said aloud, they only seem more and more true. I have to keep repeating positive thoughts aloud in order to make them turn into reality.

Yes, it's true. I am horrified by a feeling that everything could turn out totally wrong. But there is also so much good that I can make out of this break. I can pamper myself more than I ever allowed myself to be pampered while I was slaving away at the drafting desk/computer. I also have been working on so many self-improvement things that I really have needed to work on. I am gradually becoming a more sociable, kinder, more loving, and more confident person. I have to fight these onslaughts of depression, though. They will do me no good!

Yes, I am looking for a career in architecture, but here are some of the things that I want to achieve in the meantime:

1. Write a short story.
2. "Publish" an illustrated children's story.
3. Paint a series of paintings about my local downtown.
4. Learn more about music.
5. Sell paintings.
6. Volunteer with the local Habitat and with other humanitarian causes.
7. Teach my lil sister some good study habits, help her escape the drone of TV and computer.
8. Get fit again.

Ok you are probably getting bored of me repeating over and over what I want to do! Now's the time to do it! From now on, no more whiny posts. I thought it would rid me of whininess but it only makes me whinier. From now on, I will only publish progress. Probably mostly on my short story, but we'll see how it goes down.

For all you budding architects, here are two articles you should read:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/artanddesign/2011/mar/06/michael-gove-architecture-in-schools

http://famousarchitect.blogspot.com/2007/11/26-fake-it-til-you-make-it.html

Not necessarily cheerful, but interesting nonetheless.

Yesterday is history...

This is exactly how I feel today. I have been LinkedIN stalking people and realizing that I am the only person in my graduating Architecture School class who has not accomplished anything this summer! I feel like dying. I just cannot believe this is happening to me. What have I done? I kept repeating to myself that yesterday is history. Well, maybe it's not. Maybe history is exactly my problem. I have been trying to do something amazing for so long, and I am so STUCK in this rut that I can't seem to escape it.

I made the mistake of thinking that finding a job would be easy. EASY. Well, it is not, let me tell you. And I should have sought an internship this summer. Well, I kind of did, but not hard enough. I kept thinking, Oh I almost have a job, I'm almost there. When I was NOT almost there. And here I am with NO EXPERIENCE!!! at all and so much desire to do well, to excel, to design, build, be productive and so little ability to do so. I feel that my brains are turning to goo as I sit in this house minute after minute, hour after hour. Hoping, praying, applying. Not even the minimum wage people want to hire me!

I just don't feel like trying anymore. I just feel ILL. Really, really sick and worthless. I feel like throwing up. I feel like I have made a huge mistake this summer, and I will not be forgiven for it by anyone. How can I convince a company that I ought to be hired?? I just don't know what I am supposed to do beyond everything that I've been trying. I fear that my failure is too far gone!

I don't know what do anymore. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. But it's like, I've been given talents and health, a good eye, ambition, passion, a good work ethic, but I can't use it and it makes me feel that I am not doing well as a human being. I don't know what I am supposed to be doing right now, but I feel that I am not benefiting anyone. A cow eating grass in a field right now is worth more than I am. A cow doesn't get a great brain or a fast body, so all it can hope to do is eat grass and give milk. I am using my talents less than a cow uses its talents.

Today is a bad, bad day. I can't call any company today. I just know I will make a bad impression. I just know that calling them will not change their minds or make them want to interview me. I am sooooooooooooo lost. I am so confused. I am so angry. I don't know what I am supposed to do anymore.

(This is not motivation: this is whining. If you're feeling like I'm feeling, well, now you know that you are not alone.)

Not to Be Discouraged

Ok, setting a billion goals and making each one more difficult than the last is not really working.

I am having can't-finish-it syndrome. Starting a lot of things and not being able to finish them. Today though I'm going to focus on what I have accomplished since my last post about two weeks ago.

1. Applied to 8 architecture jobs and 1 volunteer for graphic designer (no positive response from ANYONE).

2. Will have informational interview with local firm on coming Tuesday.

3. Called 2 firms to ask about possibility of externship--no result!

4. Passed the 50 mark on my LinkedIN connections.

5. Painted 2 paintings. Night paintings...very pretty if I may say so myself.

6. Assitant photographed an engagement celebration. Learned more about how to use those fancy cameras.

7. Went to the beach for the last time of the summer.

8. Applied to about 5 more "whatever" jobs (also no response) And 3 of the Craigslist's ones were SCAMs. Fabulous!

9. Did favors for people all around me.

10. Smiled and complained less.

11. Made a resolution not to put myself down for the next two months.

12. Read 3-4 short stories.

13. Read more in Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends..."

14. Read more in "Your First Job."

Yes, yes, you're right I should have applied to several times that many jobs in the past two weeks, but what can I say? There are not very many postings for my 0 years of experience. But you know what I really miss? Writing. I used to be a good writer, but I think ever since going to college and writing so much about architecture and stuff like that, I've really lost my shine in writing. Reading short stories like "The Yellow Wallpaper" and such make you think: I want to write something so beautiful.

I am very sad that I do not have a job because I had believed myself talented and a good catch for any employer. If you're in the same sore spot, here's some encouragement for the both of us:

1. YOU ARE TALENTED.

2. Are you a hard worker? Are you in love with design? Will you put in the time and effort to be a great designer? THEN YOU WILL GET TO DO IT AND YOU WILL BE GREAT.

3. GOD is in CONTROL! If you believe in Him, all things are possible. There is a reason you do not have a job yet. A very good and perfect reason that will make sense to you later. I know someone who was jobless for a year. Guess what? At the end of that year he got engaged, and at the same time got a job offer! "Eye has not seen nor ear hear nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him." Trust in the power of prayer.

4. "Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift, that is why they call it the present." 

Today is a gift. Carpe diem! Call people, email resumes, SO WHAT if  no one has responded positively? Put that behind you as though you never heard it. Keep going, try everything, don't be snobbish and do make some changes and learn from the past, but DON'T let rejection get in your way of finding success. Also when your brain hurts from reading job descriptions and writing up what to say in a phone call and thinking about why does such and such have a job and not me: Stop it. Take one or two hours and don't apply to a single job more, don't check your email again, just STOP. 

Write, do a painting, design a building, bake a pie--do something that uses that creative and beautiful energy you have. Who knows? You might manage to make some money out of it!

I'm not going to make another to do list for myself. At least not today. I am just going to keep going and let you know what I've accomplished. When I feel guilty about it, maybe I'll work harder to do more the next time. Or maybe I'll start posting the To do list again. Anyway--Good luck to all!