I'm in!
It's over!
The darkness has subsided!
The clouds have separated!
The Lord is good, and I am free of my misery!
I just finished my first week at a really great firm. It was a bit crazy how it all went down. Essentially, my interview went very well and I was offered the position on the spot. I was also asked to start as soon as possible : as in a week later! So here I am working, living with a friend and taking the metro to the place. Everyone is kind and smart. Of course, now there is the pressure to not screw up and to be the number one most amazing hire they've ever made so that I can keep the job...! But God's blessings abound!
To everyone who is still walking in darkness, just remember that His rod and His staff will comfort you. That God is a shepherd who walks with his sheep on the cliff edges in the shadowy places, tapping the sheep to keep them from falling off the edge!
Love and Peace to the World and if I can help anyone in a bad situation, I want to! I'm going to be on the listen out for those who need to know that it is not over yet!
Signing off for now! God, please let this cup not return to me for a long time!
I would like to write a poem or meditation of some sort on this experience. Be on the lookout for that.
Mari
Friday, March 30, 2012
Monday, February 27, 2012
People finally responding
I've been having a lot more luck with interviews this year (2012).
Dear Lord,
Please let some company "fall in love at first sight" and hire me soon! I really want to do this, but I am losing hope and losing drive.
Mari
Dear Lord,
Please let some company "fall in love at first sight" and hire me soon! I really want to do this, but I am losing hope and losing drive.
Mari
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
Wowzer
Today I refused the first real job offer I've ever gotten! I can't believe I had the guts to do it!
Essentially, I realized that in spite of a fancy job title, the actual responsibilities were way limited, and the chance for it to turn into something positive for my architecture career was even more limited. I was so blinded by desperation and an overwhelming desire to get my life started already that I overlooked some serious flaws in the position and company. Wow, I learned so much through the process though, and I am seriously years older mentally as a result.
There were three last nails in the coffin that caused me to slam the door on this opportunity:
1. President essentially told me (in direct opposition to what the interviewer said) that others had held this job for 3 weeks and left because it wasn't what they expected...Whaaaaaa??? Are you telling me I'm going to hate this job??
2. I walked around the office and saw my computer--it was older than I am! And I was straight up told I'd mostly be filing papers. Unh-unh.
3. The manager showed me some architectural drawings to show me how this "really is related to architecture." As soon as I saw those drawings, my heart leapt into my throat and I thought of all the ways that I could envision that space, wondered where the windows were, how the plan could be cut to make a more beautiful, functional place.
I tried to ask some questions, but my mind was racing. I didn't need any more information! I didn't need to ask the people in the office if they liked working in this company (as the President suggested I do). I knew that I would hate it there! I knew my ideas would be worthless, my point of view wouldn't matter!
The interviewer left me in the conference room and I stared out the glass doors. I stood up exceptionally slowly. My eyes glazed over, I walked out out out of the building door by door. I walked down the street at a snail's pace, my ears buzzing. I walked past a beautiful park, a statue in the center of it, past benches. I felt physical pain at the thought of accepting this job. I want to be a designer! That is all I can be! That is all I ever want to be! I can take the abuse.
I want to be a maker of places, like this amazing city. I don't want to sit behind a desk and shuffle papers around or be a messenger! I have so much to offer, please architecture world, all you have to do is offer me a job and let me show you what I can do! A job is not so hard to find. No. "A good job is hard to find"
Driving home, I sobbed like a baby. What was I thinking; why was I even considering this position? Yes, the location was amazing, the pay was OK. The prospect of being near friends was incredibly tempting. But I studied what I loooooooooove in order to do what I love, not to be a paper pushing, phone answering, email writing zombie. I realized that not everyone is so fortunate as to know what makes them leap for joy in their work, what inspires them to work hard, what they want their life to look life in 3, 5, 15 years. But I have much more than an inkling.
I screamed and cried all the way through all the traffic. I was like a madwoman, really. And I wondered and wondered whether this was a breakdown caused by fear of change, of the unknown, but I knew better Deep down. "I'm a poet, I'm an artist, I'm an architect, I am not your cute, cheerful office slave!" I screamed it through tears. Then I started singing that Polar Express song, "we were...dreamers...not so long agooo (like in May, on graduation day, how big did the world and the possibilities seem then?) *sniffle* but one by one...we *sniffle* sob * sob * all had to grow up..."
I guess I can be a little bit dramatic. Hahaha... Ok, I am suuuper dramatic ultra Drama Queen!
When I stopped at the Subway to get my late lunch, I made a point of being Miss Supreme Positive. Joking with the sandwich maker and smiling and laughing and being my general normal self when I am not crazy. It instantly improved my mood!
Dear Lord, you know how hard I worked as a student. You know about my sleepless nights. My no fun Fridays, my consistently at church Sundays (usually!!). Please, God, I know you love me better than this! I trust you, Lord, that there is something better on the way. I have full faith.
Essentially, I realized that in spite of a fancy job title, the actual responsibilities were way limited, and the chance for it to turn into something positive for my architecture career was even more limited. I was so blinded by desperation and an overwhelming desire to get my life started already that I overlooked some serious flaws in the position and company. Wow, I learned so much through the process though, and I am seriously years older mentally as a result.
There were three last nails in the coffin that caused me to slam the door on this opportunity:
1. President essentially told me (in direct opposition to what the interviewer said) that others had held this job for 3 weeks and left because it wasn't what they expected...Whaaaaaa??? Are you telling me I'm going to hate this job??
2. I walked around the office and saw my computer--it was older than I am! And I was straight up told I'd mostly be filing papers. Unh-unh.
3. The manager showed me some architectural drawings to show me how this "really is related to architecture." As soon as I saw those drawings, my heart leapt into my throat and I thought of all the ways that I could envision that space, wondered where the windows were, how the plan could be cut to make a more beautiful, functional place.
I tried to ask some questions, but my mind was racing. I didn't need any more information! I didn't need to ask the people in the office if they liked working in this company (as the President suggested I do). I knew that I would hate it there! I knew my ideas would be worthless, my point of view wouldn't matter!
The interviewer left me in the conference room and I stared out the glass doors. I stood up exceptionally slowly. My eyes glazed over, I walked out out out of the building door by door. I walked down the street at a snail's pace, my ears buzzing. I walked past a beautiful park, a statue in the center of it, past benches. I felt physical pain at the thought of accepting this job. I want to be a designer! That is all I can be! That is all I ever want to be! I can take the abuse.
I want to be a maker of places, like this amazing city. I don't want to sit behind a desk and shuffle papers around or be a messenger! I have so much to offer, please architecture world, all you have to do is offer me a job and let me show you what I can do! A job is not so hard to find. No. "A good job is hard to find"
Driving home, I sobbed like a baby. What was I thinking; why was I even considering this position? Yes, the location was amazing, the pay was OK. The prospect of being near friends was incredibly tempting. But I studied what I loooooooooove in order to do what I love, not to be a paper pushing, phone answering, email writing zombie. I realized that not everyone is so fortunate as to know what makes them leap for joy in their work, what inspires them to work hard, what they want their life to look life in 3, 5, 15 years. But I have much more than an inkling.
I screamed and cried all the way through all the traffic. I was like a madwoman, really. And I wondered and wondered whether this was a breakdown caused by fear of change, of the unknown, but I knew better Deep down. "I'm a poet, I'm an artist, I'm an architect, I am not your cute, cheerful office slave!" I screamed it through tears. Then I started singing that Polar Express song, "we were...dreamers...not so long agooo (like in May, on graduation day, how big did the world and the possibilities seem then?) *sniffle* but one by one...we *sniffle* sob * sob * all had to grow up..."
I guess I can be a little bit dramatic. Hahaha... Ok, I am suuuper dramatic ultra Drama Queen!
When I stopped at the Subway to get my late lunch, I made a point of being Miss Supreme Positive. Joking with the sandwich maker and smiling and laughing and being my general normal self when I am not crazy. It instantly improved my mood!
Dear Lord, you know how hard I worked as a student. You know about my sleepless nights. My no fun Fridays, my consistently at church Sundays (usually!!). Please, God, I know you love me better than this! I trust you, Lord, that there is something better on the way. I have full faith.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
My peace I give to you
Today I feel an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude. I have full faith that God loves me more than I can ever possibly love myself. I want to love God the same way. I am waiting for a response to a crazy idea. I pushed the ball into the company's court, but I think that I more so pushed the ball back into God's court. I never want ANYTHING in my life to happen but what is His will for me. As I said, God loves me more than I love me!
Casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for YOU!
Look at the lilies, they neither toil nor spin and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not adorned as one of these!
God is AWESOME.
Another meditation of the day:
"Our Father who art in Heaven."
How beautiful are those words? What do we have to fear when we have a Father (someone who cares for us more than He cares for anything else) who art in Heaven (who has dominion and power over every little thing!). We should never be afraid!
Casting all your cares upon Him, for He cares for YOU!
Look at the lilies, they neither toil nor spin and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not adorned as one of these!
God is AWESOME.
Another meditation of the day:
"Our Father who art in Heaven."
How beautiful are those words? What do we have to fear when we have a Father (someone who cares for us more than He cares for anything else) who art in Heaven (who has dominion and power over every little thing!). We should never be afraid!
Friday, February 3, 2012
Blessings All Around
Thanks be to the Lord!!
Last month was full of blessings! I had three interviews. Now I have a job offer that I am seriously considering, but which is also extremely difficult to take because it would take me away from design in architecture. This company has been so kind to me, flattering and accommodating. It is like they love me or something. It is quite a nice compliment to be offered a position and then to be offered help to help you reach your dreams if you decide you don't want to stay in the company... OMG They are TOO kind, but I have made an investment in my future by applying to graduate school. It is an uncertain and cloudy thing. Dark and vague and blurry and foggy, but it is an investment I have already made in my future as a designer and WHAT if I am accepted into the Ivy league or even my Alma Mater what then? But how am I going to pay for school and how am I going to afford this mess?
They want a commitment from me -- a commitment of 2 years -- because of the investment they will be making by training me...and what can I do? I cannot lie or pretend, and I cannot commit a year to them when Yale may say yes to me tomorrow and there is no postponing allowed. $180,000 that is the total cost of 3 years at Yale. I will not make enough extra money to pay that off by doing architecture!! So I would need scholarships, and why would anyone give me one??
Why would a great graduate school accept me when not even mediocre architecture firms will? My parents say because the economy is bad, because you will be paying them, because...
Architecture is oh so Abusive, is it not?! What would be so bad about a little security, free time, me time that this job would offer?!
God guide my steps!!
Last month was full of blessings! I had three interviews. Now I have a job offer that I am seriously considering, but which is also extremely difficult to take because it would take me away from design in architecture. This company has been so kind to me, flattering and accommodating. It is like they love me or something. It is quite a nice compliment to be offered a position and then to be offered help to help you reach your dreams if you decide you don't want to stay in the company... OMG They are TOO kind, but I have made an investment in my future by applying to graduate school. It is an uncertain and cloudy thing. Dark and vague and blurry and foggy, but it is an investment I have already made in my future as a designer and WHAT if I am accepted into the Ivy league or even my Alma Mater what then? But how am I going to pay for school and how am I going to afford this mess?
They want a commitment from me -- a commitment of 2 years -- because of the investment they will be making by training me...and what can I do? I cannot lie or pretend, and I cannot commit a year to them when Yale may say yes to me tomorrow and there is no postponing allowed. $180,000 that is the total cost of 3 years at Yale. I will not make enough extra money to pay that off by doing architecture!! So I would need scholarships, and why would anyone give me one??
Why would a great graduate school accept me when not even mediocre architecture firms will? My parents say because the economy is bad, because you will be paying them, because...
Architecture is oh so Abusive, is it not?! What would be so bad about a little security, free time, me time that this job would offer?!
God guide my steps!!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Slipping...
This morning I lay in bed, closing my eyes, and wishing that I would die in my sleep rather than spend another day in my situation. People do not respond.
"Relax in God's grace." I need to relax, and pursue my own projects. Just breathe.
Another cool contest for architecture geeks: the Pruitt-Igoe Competition
"Relax in God's grace." I need to relax, and pursue my own projects. Just breathe.
Another cool contest for architecture geeks: the Pruitt-Igoe Competition
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